I find today (well, really yesterday) that I’m feeling very confused about my relationship with C. I’m not sure why. I guess I have begun to feel more strongly and have become more attached than I thought I would and I don’t know what to do with it. I don’t know how to reconcile it. I don’t know how to reconcile it with the disparities in our lives and who we are. I just don’t know what to do with it. Although, I should have known better. I know myself well enough to be aware that if I found someone I could truly connect to and truly submit too that my emotions would fall down that well with me.

 

I guess this begs the question…why do anything with it? Why not just enjoy. Why not just let it be what it is and enjoy. Why must I always feel a need to sort things out, make sense of them. Why can’t I just learn to live in the present and be. In this case be his

 

Surely there is much to be learned and many ways to grow in our differences as well as our similarities.

 

Here is a hard admission. I suppose it’s only hard because he will read it and because I’m certain my friends who read this will think it over the top and worry for me. But here goes… in many ways he embodies what I have always sought in my male companions but have never found. He embodies it more than B.

 

On balance, he is also everything I don’t want in a man. How can someone possibly be both that which you seek and that which you seek to avoid?

 

I suppose this is what has me going in circles. He is both. He is both the positive and the negative, the pull and the push, I want him (as an individual, as a partner) yet I don’t.

 

I suppose it’s all a moot point. It doesn’t matter because it is what it is and no more.

 

Maitre, I wish I could talk to you right now. I wish I could curl up in your lap and hand it to you for us to talk about.  I know that you will find this out here and you will bring it to the table if you think it needs to be. I love that about you.

 

Is this who you really are? Would this stay? If we could be a RL couple would this be who I would find? Could I really stay your little one, your Bella, and still be safe. Still know that you would not abuse what I’ve handed you but instead still care for it and nurture it?

 

Do you know how heady it is to think that it might be like that? How seductive I find the possibility…. the possibility of finding the relationship I always knew I wanted.  Who I was as a teen seeking out my first relationships, who I was as a young adult seeking a mate and who I was when I ended up with exfn…all of these women make sense to me know. I know who she is, I know there is a place in this world for her, and I know there is nothing wrong with her… here in my middle years I am finally finding what I’ve wanted and knowing deep within me that there is nothing wrong with it, nothing wrong with me.