I’ve spent the better part of an hour writing something that I am not happy with.

 

He said yesterday, after my telling him that I liked him in my head, he wanted to be in my heart too. Mind, body and soul… all to him.

 

I told him he is already in my heart… just a little. But it also made me see this immense gapping chasm.

 

I think of all B and I shared to come “heart against heart” as I used to tell him. To where at times we felt almost like one. How much trust we gave each other…all of it, everything, all the tender bits and pieces, our soft white underbellies. All the fears, all the secrets, no ego, no holding back…and what one dared to hold back the other would see anyway and put on the table.

 

But between the little casual bit of my heart that Maitre has and the gloriously overwhelming complete submersion that B and I shared is a middle ground. But I can’t see it. I don’t know what it looks like. I used to walk there but I don’t know if I can again. How do you give just part of yourself? Especially to someone you play these dark games with. I can’t see just giving a little of it…for starters its not who I am.  

 

Perhaps it will come in time, maybe it will sneak up on me and I won’t even realize it. Maybe one day I will wake to realize that I have given him part of it…that I can tread the middle ground with him. But hell, I don’t even know what it looks like right now.

 

And all of this has only served to make me see how far we have come and how much further the road stretches a head. What bond we have is purposeful. My feeling of being his…not yet ingrained. We have only just begun. But beginnings are to be enjoyed for they are the start of an adventure.