Sigh… I’m missing him.


I know what the parameters are, I know what the deal is…but I miss him when he’s not around. This isn’t good. I need to be self contained. To come to rely on someone you can’t see, someone you can’t spend time with when you want, someone who isn’t yours to rely on… well, it’s just asking for heartache. I know this. I’ve walked this mile before and it isn’t all it’s cracked up to be much of the time. This was one of my reasons for thinking C was a good choice, that I wouldn’t become overly involved, that I wouldn’t miss him, that I would be self reliant.  Instead? I am finding that he’s has begun to caress, snuggle, smooch, slap, fuck and tickle his way under my skin…and I miss the big guy when he’s out of hand.


Maybe I’m just feeling it more today because I’m just a bit blue. Maybe I just want my feel good fix to lift this haze of funk… and he is sooo that!


So…now I’m going to post this, and he’ll come along and read it and feel bad. That’s not what I want. Sometimes putting down what’s in your heart for another to read is a double edged sword. Sometimes having him out here is a double edged sword. I’m thrilled that he wants to know what’s in my head and heart, and that we share with complete honesty…but I don’t want either of us feeling bad over things that are beyond our control.