Admittedly this is really a first “formally D/s” relationship for me .  This past little “issue” with Maitre was a bit of a change for me. I went against his expressed desire. He had told me not to speak to A whom I had been trying to get rid of. He gave me the directive as a result of my telling him I was having trouble keeping my boundaries firm and would answer A’s phone call, that would inevitably come after my latest effort to disengage. I’m a bit compulsively polite and over empathetic. Well, I ended up speaking to A again against Maitre’s wishes but I told him right off the next day.

Do I get rewarded for being honest and forthcoming? HELL NO! I get my ass beat, my hair pulled (and hard!), service him, am denied any fun of my own… AND THEN! Get put on orgasm prohibition until I see him again. Pfffttt….

The kicker is that I thought “well, at least my body didn’t respond to it, at least I didn’t get turned on by it”…. only to get to work and I realize that not only is my scalp sour, my ass stinging and my tummy woozy from a belly full of cum…but my panties are soaked. My damn body betrayed me!! Harumph! And of course you want what you can’t have, so now I’m sitting here horny, thinking about maybe a little lunchtime release…and I’m not supposed to. ARRGGGG hissss spit!!

To Maitre: And sir… I beg to differ… I do believe you were rougher with me than you thought you were. I think you were quite simply enjoying disciplining me and put yourself to it just a bit more than you thought you were. No, you didn’t go too far. You asked if I wanted you to stop. The accurate answer was that of course I WANTED you to stop… but I believe you were really asking me if I NEEDED you to stop, and so I answered no. My scalp ached, my ass burned but I was ok…on the verge of tears (and unbeknownst to me excited)…but it wasn’t “too much”.

Well, I’ve learned something about myself in the past 24 hours. I may be a sexual submissive…but being punished for doing what I perceive as using my own judgment … well that really grates. This is going to be very interesting. Yes, yes, I know…this is what I signed on for, and I’m still in, but it will definitely be a learning curve, not only in terms of Maitre but in learning about myself.

Thing is I know myself and while I’m not recalcitrant just to be recalcitrant, I can definitely get my back up, especially when I feel like there’s an argument to be won. I DO NOT like to lose an argument. In this case it would be the “I can damn well I can make decisions on my won behalf!!” (hands on hips) argument. So… I find my nature to be at odds with my desires. I find that part of me wants very genuinely to do as I please just to make the point. Although, I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t feel this way if I thought being disciplined had been warranted but I didn’t. I also know myself well enough to know that I won’t be a little bitch for the sake of it… but like I said, when there is an argument to be won, a point to be made?… I’m afraid I can bet a bit…. Mmm…. Headstrong is a good word to describe it.

The short answer is…while I am by nature a people pleaser… I have a feeling that being more generally submissive might not come so easily to me. LOL

Hmmm… maybe this post should have been entitled “The Taming of the Shrew”. LOL

…and then I have to ask myself… did he do this on purpose? Has he figured me out well enough to know that this what would happen? Is he inviting my fire? Maybe that is what Maitre wants… just a bit of shrew to tame. Because I will swear up and down he was enjoying himself and I’ll swear up and down he was getting hard just thinking about it before he even started. Is that hot? OMG YES!!! Just thinking about it is making me wet… sigh…I’m hopeless.