Yesterday was hard and it’s still not done. I emailed A telling him not to come down, that the gig was up and that I belong to another.

I’m not sure what I expected. I guess I expected him to take my rejection and quietly walk away but he didn’t. He challenged it and since I am too empathetic, and too fair, and …damn…probably too submissive, I spoke to him and it weakened my resolve. His passion and energy move me. He’s like B that way, very much “ON”, very passionate, very energetic. But what he isn’t, that Maitre is, is very engaged.

I thought I was sure of what I wanted but I ended up less than certain. No that is not true, I am certain. It’s the little cosmetic stuff that I wish I had with Maitre that would be available with A. Things like spending the occasional long luxurious night or the ability to call at the drop of a hat.

And ultimately I am just an attention whore. I hate the idea of emptying a plate of attention into the trash and that is what it feels like. It’s not that I want a relationship with him, he wouldn’t be good for me I can see that. I know it would be primarily long distance and that in the end that would only drive me nuts and make me feel lonelier. I know that he’s probably unreliable and probably a borderline personality disorder…ok…I don’t know that but they way he’s gotten so wrapped up it worries me.

I also know that C is stable, loving, kind, generous, engaged, attentive, empathetic, nurturing, concerned, interested, …hehehe…and a great kisser with amazing hands …oh and did I mention stable? I have forged something with C, this is not in question. My relationship with C is not in question. My desire to nurture it and submit to him is not in question.

I suppose nothing is in question. I’m just being a spoiled brat who doesn’t want to give up a source of attention…that’s all.

I would love little more than to see or speak to Maitre right now but I’m shit out of luck. I don’t know when I will speak to him again. I don’t know when I will see him again…mostly because I don’t know when he works again. I need to make sure that I keep the steel in my spine… to give willing of myself is one thing, to care is wonderful, to long sublime…but to become dependant is a recipe for trouble and not healthy.