I realized today that I am his.

Without question, without hesitation, without wishes or “if only”s, without pining for B. This doesn’t mean that I no longer love B or miss him… I do very much.

I’m not sure I can explain it. There is the knowledge that we are still new, still getting to know each other. There is still the knowledge that there is more grieving to come. And there is still the knowledge that B was special and gave me many gifts. And there are no over the top romantic fatalistic thoughts.

But I look forward to seeing Herc. My body, my mind and my heart reach out to him…seek his presence in the world. This was one of the hardest things about losing B. You may not realize it but you mentally reach out and touch those you love throughout the day. When B died…I would mentally reach out to him…only to realize he was no longer there. Now I reach out to Herc, although I still think of B all the time. I see things and they remind me of Herc and make me smile. I feel a warmth in my heart that his presence brings to my life.

I saw Boytoy yesterday for a beer to tell him he snoozed and lost. We had a last little clutch (still a great kisser)…but I find that I didn’t respond to him. There was no fire at his touch…. just the desire to feel Herc’s lips instead of his.

Herc has tried very hard, worked very hard since the start. He treats me with respect and like a lady. He is concerned and engaged. He wants to be not only lover but friend, dominant but companion, my lover. He works towards these quietly, with certainty, never aggressive, always respectful. He has taken my concerns about him (someone new, a stranger) and the pain of my loss very seriously but he’s also worked to make me smile, to give me a reason to smile…with out disregarding the rest. I guess what I am saying here is that he has earned my regard and has earned my emotional acceptance of him.

… I guess what I’m saying over all is that the worst maybe over, that I’ve genuinely started to move forward, slowly but surely, one little step at a time, walking away from the past that was B’s, one baby step at a time walking forward with my little hand firmly in Herc’s large warm grasp.