I’ve allowed my self to get too wrapped up in A. I know better than that. What sort of fools idiocy is it to allow yourself to feel for someone you have never met. I’m not some wet behind the ears child. I know damn well that people reinvent themselves on the web. I know damn well that things are quite often not as they seem to be. Even if it is all as it seems what purpose does it suit me to allow myself to feel for someone hours from me. It does little more than set me up for hurt. I know what it is to long to see someone I can’t see, to long to spend a night in there arms, more than a few hours at their side. I know how painful it is, why would I do this to myself on purpose?


But what is the alternative? To forever keep myself from feeling a connection that reaches to my very core? To always keep myself distant but safe from pain? These have never been things I have embraced. I’ve always chosen to bend my knees, to launch myself into the air and to dive head first into those waters however turbulent they may be. I’ve always chosen to bathe myself in all of the good, the bad, the joy and the pain…but…but…with someone so far away? That just seems to be asking to hurt.


Nonetheless I promised him I would sit tight and wait a bit longer and I will. I won’t shut him out but I can just begin to feel myself shifting. Shifting away from that head long dive into the heady depths of what could be with A, toward wading into the shallower safer waters with C. 


There is not the capacity for attachment on the same level with C and there will never be the gut wrenching desire to yield to my very core but there is safety and there is certainty and there is warmth. Maybe for once I need to learn to take the quieter road instead of the precarious, twisty, scree riddled, adrenaline filled path up to the very edge of the cliff.