Well, I’m letting another in to this sacred space. A “love interest” if you will.  As you read this my new friend, I hope you keep in mind that it is more like being given a chance to read another’s journal than anything else.  I don’t want to hold back because of who I share this with and I know you understand that but it will be hard not to censor myself. I worry that I am sharing too much too soon. I always seem to give so freely of myself and then often (not always) regret it later. I hope this won’t be the case.

I’m putting all this down in way of a preface because my conversations with him have prompted me to stop and think, to examine my fears and my longings.

Buddhist thought tells us that “want” is the source of all pain. I “want” to connect. This longing to connect makes me scared. Scared of being taken advantage of, scared of letting myself be “snowed”. Scared of giving of myself only to be trampled. This fear causes me pain. I don’t want to be scared, I don’t want to forever be doubting people. I want to trust, with my very soul I want to trust. This of course speaks to my longing to yield completely to another. It is a paradox, isn’t it? You long for the very thing you are terrified of and the only reason you are so terrified of it is because it means so much, your want is so deep, the need to deep. It’s almost like asking which came first the chicken or the egg. Which came first the need to trust and so the manifestation of that trust in yielding? Or did the desire to yield come first and has only been made keener and more poignant by growing up never being able to trust, seemingly always abandoned.